long live the platinum rule
if you've met or worked with my husband, you'll surely have encountered one of his sometimes brilliant, sometimes eye-rolly florisisms (here's one: "humility prevents humiliation!"). he reads a lot (like, a LOT) of books about things like management, self improvement, teamwork, organizational design, etc, which is where he picks most of these things up. one of the things learned in this reading, which he invokes often, is the platinum rule.
for those who aren't familiar, the platinum rule is an extension of the golden rule (treat others the way you'd like to be treated) and goes like this: treat others how they would like to be treated. simple, right?
anyways, the other day we were chatting about something and i was being a bit of a dick (it happens, i'm working on it) and he was like, dude - remember the platinum rule. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
the golden rule is kind of bullshit.
like, yes. don't be a dick. that's a good rule to live by, generally, and i think that's the best thing we can take from ol' goldy. but i think that "treat others how you would like to be treated" pretty much implies that YOU are the centre of the universe (spoiler, this is incorrect, sadly). that the way you think, process, operate, respond to stress, conflict, everything, is by default the way others do too (again, wrong). i'm convinced that this is where a lot of trouble comes up - think about it! it can very quickly devolve into a "my way or the highway" situation, even if you have good intentions. folks who are operating using the golden rule as their sole compass often miss the big picture - everybody is different, and nobody (well, almost nobody) is a mind reader. if you're assuming that the way you want to be treated is the same that somebody else wants to be treated, then you are being an idiot and you also might be a bit of a narcissist (just sayin'). to assume makes an ass out of U and ME!
an example: how i would like to be treated and real life are fundamentally at odds. in my mind i'm always right and would like to be treated as such, but in reality i'm a sassy know-it-all who is just dying to be seen & understood, and also needs to be called out on her bs early and often so that she doesn't scope creep on every single thing she tries to do (hi, i'm a pregnant double virgo). the sooner i'm able to establish this with others so we can work through the dynamic we'll have based on our star signs/hogwarts houses/myers-briggs types, the better. the conflict i've encountered in life and at work are almost always because there's a fundamental disconnect on how both parties want and need to be treated in any given situation, and the times in which i've had success in these areas are when we've purposefully taken the time to figure it out.
i'll spare the macro view of this (which i think explains a lot of what's wrong with the whole wide world), but on a micro level - like interpersonal relationships at home, with friends, at work - think of any conflict. i bet you that most of the time, it comes down to the platinum rule. one person (or both people) forgetting to check how the other person would like to be treated in any given situation, which causes tension, conflict and communication breakdown. and the solution? maybe have an honest conversation (refer to my previous letter about bravery) and try to understand each other, then work to find a solution that works best for everybody, instead of assuming that the way YOU would handle it is the best for everyone?
this not to say that you can't advocate for yourself - you should always do this, and you could be totally right! you probably are. and yes, there are limits to finding consensus - where you've just gotta use your best judgement and make a call. BUT, what i'm saying is, of COURSE you know what you need best (this is a given), but you cannot assume to know what anyone else needs better than they do. this is where the golden rule breaks down, and the platinum rule steps in. swap one for the other and you're in good shape.
anyways, my point is simple and i'm issuing us all a challenge - the next time we find ourselves feeling frustrated or confused or hurt about some interaction we've had with someone, let us to refer back to the platinum rule, then review & adjust.
and now, a recipe for you (if you're into this sort of thing). it's incredibly simple and very delicious - bagna cauda pasta. i added a little fresh parsley at the end to cut the saltiness a bit, which i highly recommend.
enjoy,
kt
ps: i had floris look at this before i sent it and he said "remember that albert einstein quote: 'i wrote you a long letter, because i didn't have enough time to write you a short one'" yeesh. #florisism