hi everybody,
i’m going to take some time this week to reflect on the year. this will be my last needsletter of 2020, so i figured i’d do it annual letter style. buckle up.
we rang in the new year at a party with friends, as per usj. i remember feeling a certain way about 2020 - thinking back on how much had changed in the decade prior, and how important this next decade would be. these are the peak memory making years for our little family, after all. this is when otis will be going through all of his elementary school years, and felix will be going through his single digits. these are their formative years, so it’s mine and flo’s job to not fuck it up too badly.
jan and feb were pretty great, since i had hired a wonderful caregiver to help out with felix for a few days a week, and had one of my cousins hanging out with him on another day so he could get some fam time and i could get some me time. otis was having regular playdates with his two best buds, and i was becoming friends with their moms. i signed felix up for a baby music class with another mom friend, i was writing a lot, and reading a lot (shoutout to the book club). i had the space and time to try and get my bearings back after having the baby, to think about what i wanted to do next. looking back, i am so thankful for that time. i don’t know if i would have made it through march without it.
anyways, we have a family motto that we established in feb: no bad weekends. so we started doing activities and making plans with this vibe in mind - we went to a maple syrup festival, felix went on his first swing, we made pancakes every sunday, we went roller skating and ice skating, otis started getting into bouldering, felix was big enough to sit in a high chair at restaurants & began eating solids so we started going out more, we signed otis up for a tee ball team, booked a really fun summer vacation with friends, i bought a 10 visit pass to the indoor soft play gym for felix….
in march, flo and i were supposed to take a trip together without the kids. we were so excited! i was going to arizona for a bachelorette party, and at the end of the weekend he was going to meet me there and we were going to drive out to LA and hang out for a week. see friends we hadn’t seen in a long time. it was going to be great.
instead what happened was this: i ended up going to arizona, after agonizing over the decision for a couple days & ultimately deciding that my FOMO would be unbearable so i just HAD to go (literally WHAT). while i was in the air, the government flipped a switch and shut everything down, telling people to come home from wherever they are, and to stay home. sooooo i landed in AZ, and made it through 2 days of the bachelorette (glued to my phone, barely sleeping, sanitizing everything) before i went home. i don’t think i’ve ever been so stressed in my life and my whole vibe almost certainly ruined the weekend. i still feel bad about that.
flo did some panic shopping and got the house ready for our 2 week quarantine (lol). then 2 weeks quickly turned into a month. which turned into 2, which eventually turned into the rest of the dang summer.
march truly sucked - realizing all your plans, everything you were looking forward to, your social life, your freedom. all of it, canceled. this article helped me place my feelings, which made things a little easier to cope with, but mostly switching from a person with free time to a stay at home mom of 2 was……………awful? or as otis would put it, it was “not my favourite”.
i really tried, and i think i did fine? or at least fine adjacent. but it was fucking tough. so tough that in april, i shaved my head about it.
…and let me just say, that’s one of the bright spots of quarantine, for me. i have always had a meh relationship with my hair, and the post partum loss was serious with felix, so i just got rid of it. and it was great. so freeing!
and then my nana died.
she had been getting palliative care at home and took a turn pretty quickly in early april. my family had started doing daily zoom calls and it became pretty apparent that she was getting worse. i really struggled with whether or not to go see her because it was breaking all the rules, but decided i would drive up to say goodbye in person. the roads were completely empty the whole way - it was so eerie, but made for easy speeding. at one point, about 5 minutes away from her house, i felt compelled to scream at the top of my lungs. it was actually very cathartic - a much needed release. as soon as i finished screaming, my dad called me to tell me that she had died.
so.
i got there and cried a lot (i think nana would have told me to calm down, lol it was a lot) and then sat with my family until the funeral home came to get her. it was quite something, being there with her body. holding her hand as it got colder. nana was the queen of our family. still is, really.
when i got home that night, i was jolted awake around 3 am and my whole pillow smelled like her. i told my friend after, who said “she came to say goodbye”. so that’s what i’m telling myself. i still hope she comes back to say hi - she’s welcome anytime.
may was spent as outside as possible. otis got really into blowing the fuzz off old dandelions and i got really into jumpsuits. felix turned 9 months and finally got some teeth. our street really leaned into the pot banging thing, and we started making friends with our neighbours. i also started my business. oh, and i broke my glasses.
i spent a lot of june (and every subsequent month) getting angry and sad and stressed about the state of the world, and donated a bunch of money to bail funds, food banks, community initiatives, reposting instagrams. i spent a lot of time calling american DA offices and politicians, and emailing my councillor and mayor. i spent a lot of time wishing i had the free time to attend marches and rallies. i also spent a lot of time baking. otis turned 4, and the neighbours all sang to him.
in july we rented a cottage for a week over floris’ birthday. we swam and watched all the harry potters and ate so well and otis was naked 100% of the time and it was great. what wasn’t great was that i had a huge stye and also a UTI and also my period at the same time? life comes at you fast.
in august i finally got to see my friends up close. we took covid tests, and went camping for a weekend and it remains the highlight of the year. remember sharing joints? i really miss that. i also got to have a few nice distance hangs across the city, and i hired the neighbour teens to play with otis before lunch on weekdays so i could actually take a little break when felix was napping. ALSO, a local coffee shop started carrying my granola and cookies! that felt like a pretty cool thing. ALSO felix turned 1! august was alright.
this fall, things went back to normal mostly. otis started school, felix started daycare and i got time back. i feel very lucky that this has worked out for us so far. we only had a few covid scares, but mostly things have been chill. i started a podcast, i started this newsletter again, i baked a lot more. i got lasik, tried microdosing (which has really worked for me), bought a ton of cookbooks, and listened to way too much taylor swift.
and now here we are. the winter solstice is over which MEANS that days are getting longer and longer from here on out. this brings me hope. which i’ll take.
there have been good things this year - a new business, some creative outlets, a real sense of community in my neighbourhood, my family zoom calls, standing trivia nights, anytime i have been able to see the people i love IRL, i actually made a couple new buddies, and in general the internet and shows/tv/music have been prettttyyyy great.
that said (and you don’t need another person to remind you but…) this year, on the whole, has sucked. a lot of friends had babies that i won’t get to sniff & squeeze until they’re toddlers. otis and felix have missed out on crucial quality time with their godfam, fam fam & chosen fam. losing nana. i just miss people so much.
i can’t wait until i can throw a party. i want to rent the space above my local pizza spot and throw a big pizza party. i want to make a playlist and only play the hits. i want us to dress up, to dance, to scream sing. maybe next summer?
until then, stay safe, stay home. as always, thanks for reading.
good riddance, 2020. see you next year, friends!
kt.